A Penny for your Thoughts

A Penny for your Thoughts

“Honey, what do you think of …. “ brings an interesting communication dynamic to our personal relationships. In most marriages and partnerships, the topic of money is at the forefront of discussions; especially on how to spend money, what to spend money on, and how to save money.

Money has an incredible emotional power. We tend to allow money to control our lives, define our happiness, and in many ways, manipulate us. The need to feel “in control” begins a fight for dominance in the relationship. Typically, one partner begins to feel threatened or feel fear. And then, the fight is on.

To fight back, the spouse will use judgment, criticism, and blame to ensure that they are the one back in the drivers seat. Money becomes the tool to manipulate and maintain a sense of control. When marriages and partnerships dissolve, money often becomes the reason of blame.

Honestly, money is only the surface. There is always something underneath in the subconscious patterns. Having money can be used just as easily to control and manipulate situations just as easily as the lack of money.

Money Manipulation Patterns

One pattern that surfaces is when there is a sizable difference between the two wage earners. One partner is the main wage earner. The inequality in wages can create feelings of inadequacy within the relationship. With the powerful emotional charge around money, the main wager is given the control of the relationship. The relationship starts to become imbalanced with each person trying to feel like they have control. The same can also be true with receiving inheritances.

Other money manipulation patterns surface when money is used to buy love, used as a favor, or there is a desire to receive something back. Other patterns include when people only want to be around you because you always pick up the tab.

Money manipulation patterns can also emerge when all the money accounts are joined together, and one partner pays all of the bills, without giving much access to their spouse. When the spouse does have access, they have a tendency to over spend and splurge because all of the responsibility for taking care of the money has been removed. Essentially, the partner without access is repositioned in the relationship as a “child” so the “adult” can feel like they are “in-control”.

All of these money manipulation patterns create unhappiness in the end. Here are some of my personal client scenarios that come from hidden controlling patterns to be aware of that create money manipulation scenarios.

The miserable job is the only way to make money, and the partner agrees.

Everyone has a need for money, but agreeing that this is the only job to bring money into the relationship is where the control happens. The agreeing spouse is keeping an energetic control over their partner to feel a certain way, miserable, so they feel better about themselves. Staying miserable becomes the exchange for feeling safe in the relationship. The subconscious pattern is that it is better to feel miserable in a job and have a relationship rather than face the fear of being alone.

The divorce is 100 percent my partners fault, therefore there is not an equal division of assets.

When a partnership dissolves, the partners attempt to divide the assets based on their perception of fault. This is used to control the other person in an attempt to personally obtain more money. Blaming the other person to receive a greater percentage of money is giving up your internal power in an attempt to take back control. You can’t give your power to someone and then have the expectation to maintain the power and control. It just doesn't work. Each person needs to take ownership and responsibility, and honestly, follow the law in division of assets.

The partner tries to help the spouse earn more money.

Regardless if there is a need for additional income, the partner views that their spouse is inadequate for earning additional income. Although the intention is good, wanting to help, the behavior results in an attempt for control. The partner will begin to criticize and their spouse becomes diminished. Rather than accepting the situation, resentment surfaces and takes over the control in the relationship.

Giving the partner a “to-do” list for a job search

Even the best of intentions can create money manipulation patterns. There is a fine line between encouraging your partner, and wanting to do it for them. Giving your partner a “to-do” job search list is an attempt in taking control of the relationship. By giving the partner a job search list is a subconscious way of saying “let me do it for you, because you are incapable.” In the end, this creates a lack of trust and unhappiness between the two people in the relationship.

Many of these money manipulation patterns are ingrained into us, deep in the DNA and inherited from our parents and our ancestors as survival mechanisms. Some of these patterns are taught to us by our relationship experiences, or even by our friends. The good news is that these patterns can easily be reprogrammed. My bonus gift to you is a money mediation ($97 value) that will enhance your relationship with your partner, money, and feeling internally empowered. Https://dawnacampbell.com/media